IT'S FORESIGHT, NOT VICTIM BLAMING: Dealing with Sexual Abuse

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The three times in my life that I was sexually assaulted, it was by family members. Yes, you read that right. Male members of my own family, not strangers.

These incidents no doubt have influenced my unwavering position that all men are potential rapists. By this, I mean that although not all men will commit rape in their lifetime, women would be better off not putting the crime beyond any male figure in their lives. As expected, this has gotten some disgruntled readers defensive and, more than once, I have been called broken and bitter — bitter feminist to put it more precisely.

Although I know that many of those who disparage me would understand my position better and be a lot less vicious in their disagreement with me should I narrate the experiences that informed this world view of mine, I generally don’t give enough fvcks to care about their opinions of me anyway, and I don’t owe anyone any explanations for my opinions, so I keep it moving. And even now as I write this, I do so not to court anyone’s sympathy. I’m too vindictive for that nonsense and am only just waiting for the right opportunity, sooner or later, to make all the guilty parties face the shame of their pervertedness. 

Why, then, am I making this post?

The other day, I read a post by a FB friend asking rape victims to speak up immediately rather than wait several years to sue the perpetrator. Rape is an sensitive topic and his take is quite an unpopular one as it can very easily be (mis)interpreted as victim blaming, especially because of his choice of words. To be frank, even I had to overlook the fact that he was pontificating on something he most likely knew nothing about and make do with the general idea of his post. A woman in the comments even labelled him a rape apologist and threatened to unfriend him. She probably has by now.

But here’s my take on the topic: reporting sexual abuse/assault immediately is easier said than done. If you have ever experienced this, you’ll know that your mind is a mess and you are dealing with many different emotions at once, and reporting may understandably not be first on your mind at that point. You'd most likely be grappling with self-hate while blaming yourself for putting yourself in that situation. Other times, you'll have to deal with the feeling of being defiled, damaged, and worthless.

Sometimes too, you deliberately remain silent out of fear because the perpetrator holds a position of authority over you. There is way too much at stake and you’ll be worse off if those you report to treat the issue with levity. And this is why I think it is unfair to impose logic from a place of advantage on people dealing with real-life trauma such as this, especially when power dynamics is thrown into the mix.

Notwithstanding, I believe that immediate reporting of these offences is a conversation that should be had more often. Perhaps if we hear this often enough and it sinks into our subconscious, then it will come top in our minds should we find ourselves in this unfortunate situation. I, for one, think that reporting immediately and getting some closure would have helped me heal better from my experiences, but unfortunately, the first two times I dealt with sexual assault I was a naive teenager and I didn’t want my name involved in any sexual scandal. Today, 10/11 years later, I relate cordially with the perps but still seethe with resentment for letting them get away with their pervertedness while I bore the burden of shame alone. The third one was recent and it hit me harder because I had always thought myself strong and unfvckwithable, yet I watched someone take advantage of me and go about his daily activities afterward without any compunction, buoyed by my shock-induced silence.

I admit that it took me one too many experiences to finally learn that when someone sexually abuses me, the shame is not on me but on the animal that perpetrated the act. I have also learnt that the onus is not on me to save a man’s marriage by not reporting his sexual misdemeanors. If anyone respects their marriage or reputation, then they will not assault me. If they assault me or even try to, I’ll scream it to high heavens and let the whole family tear apart if it will.

I wish I had this orientation as a teenager. I wish many young teenager would know this too. I know there are also many adults who should know this. Rape/sexual assault is more pervasive than people realise. Your brothers and fathers are probably no exceptions. Your illusion of a perfect family is probably built on the silence of their traumatised victims. And now they’ll never find closure because considerable time lapse will make the case harder to prove.

We mustn’t wait till we’re in uncomfortable situations to decide what we will do. Hence the need to orientate people to speak up and do immediately if they are ever abused. Maybe if we hear this often enough, it will find a way to occur to us even in those moments our minds are blank with trauma and shock.

You have no idea how horrible I feel realising that this looks like a what-to-do-when-you-have-been-sexually-abused post. But we live in an insane society and I’d rather we have these uncomfortable conversations than have clueless, timid victims instead. 

And don’t forget (yes, God forbid it, but if it ever happens/happened), the shame is not on you, it’s on them.