DEPRESSION EXPOSED!

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Maybe because I've been feeling downcast almost all day, I feel bad about what I heard someone say about me today. 

A close friend of mine told me that her friend saw a very recent picture I took in an NYSC uniform and commented that she didn't know I could look that beautiful as she had hardly ever seen me on makeup before. This said friend also asked my friend why I always wore those NYSC trousers that divided my butts. (Well, the tailor that I gave the trousers to for adjustment did it all wrong and I ended up with misshaped trousers, moreover, the pair I was wearing in the picture was newly acquired)

Ordinarily, I would have laughed and waved off the comment as I am one who believes strongly in flaunting intellectual soundness above physical beauty or fashion. I had even decided early into my service year that I would never let anyone make me feel embarrassed or self-conscious about my ugly pants since it was no fault of mine and there is more to me than my clothes. 

Well, now that I have a new and way more beautiful and comfortable pair of NYSC trousers, I feel self-conscious about wearing it later in the week already. I feel like everyone's going to notice the sharp transition from my old look on my NYSC uniform to a better one.

You may wonder why I feel this way despite the premium I place on inner self-worth over dressing (please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to excuse shabby dressing either). This is just one of those rare cases where one has a challenge, knows the cause of the challenge, and even the solution to it. Problem solved right? 

Wrong😖😖😢
I still feel unhappy. 

This is precisely the issue with depression. It takes the form of other smaller challenges and magnifies them. The NYSC outfit thing is getting to me not because I really care what anyone says about me (especially when it is not something I have control over), but because I myself have been a little down of late and this freaking opportunist called depression is trying to hijack the whole scenario and spin it out of control. 

And because I, though down, am armed with this knowledge, I know better than to hold a grudge against my friend's friend, or to shy away from wearing my beautiful new pants. They are not the real problem. 

I thought that sharing this thought might help someone, and because writing in itself, I believe, is therapeutic, I feel a tad better putting this out. Depression thrives in secrecy, remember. 

I'll pull through this, you can bet on it☺☺. So will you. Only make sure you recognize the real enemy so you don't fight the wrong battle. You'll be alright!


24.09.18

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